First Things First
“But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well."
Matthew 6:33
First Things First
A Journey Worth Sharing
Just last month, I finally broke a four-year silence with my post Hard-Fought Hallelujah. That season of silence wasn’t without reason. Life had been full—grief, transformation, and unexpected blessings. In my last post, I hinted at some of the challenges I’ve faced, but I haven’t yet shared the full story of the past four years. It’s a story that has God’s fingerprints all over it.
When I began this blog 7 years ago, I made a commitment to honor my family’s privacy. Processing Ellie’s death and the overwhelming grief that
followed was something I could share openly because it was my journey. But other trials—like the loss of my marriage—brought complexities that made sharing publicly feel… different. That loss came with its own kind of grief. The death of dreams. Of "what should have been." I had to make peace with the things I would never say out loud—for my children, for myself. And maybe someday I’ll share more. But today is not that day.
Today, I want to offer you a glimpse of where the Lord has carried me since that time.
It’s been a wild ride full of loss and redemption, faith and fire.
So, grab a cup of coffee or tea and settle in for this next part of the journey. Spoiler alert: God’s goodness and grace have met me in every season. There’s your TL;DR, but trust me—you’ll want to read the whole thing.
A Season of Loss
Looking back, Ellie’s death was the first of many losses in a relatively short time. In mid-2019, my beloved grandmother, Nana, passed away after a long battle with cancer. Unbeknownst to most at the time, this loss coincided with my separation. Just eight weeks later, Pop followed. His health had been decent, so his passing was a shock. Grieving the loss of his wife of over 50 years, he declined rapidly in just a few days.
I was juggling so much—caring for my kids, being at the hospital for end-of-life decisions, and moving into a new home to start fresh. It was overwhelming, to say the least.
Choosing Praise Through Pain
I’ll never forget driving to the hospital for the final time as we prepared to bring Pop home. A song came on the radio that became a defining anthem for this season. Of course, Selah had released their cover of this classic just weeks earlier—perfectly timed for the moment. Through every season, choosing to praise the Lord has made all the difference.
When you're up against a struggle that shatters all your dreams
And your hopes have been cruelly crushed by Satan's manifested schemes
And you feel the urge within you to submit to earthly fears
Don't let the faith you're standing in seem to disappear
Praise the Lord, He can work through those who praise Him
Praise the Lord, for our God inhabits praise
Praise the Lord, for the chains that seems to bind you
Serve only to remind you that they drop powerless behind you
When you praise Him…
Adjusting to single motherhood brought moments of intense prayer and reflection. “God, how did I get here?” and “Where did I mess up?” played in my mind constantly. The loss of my marriage felt like another death—of what should have been, could have been, and the future I had envisioned for my family.
A Prayer in the Dark
A few months later, the world changed as COVID-19 shut everything down. Already feeling isolated as a single mom, the pandemic added another layer of complexity. During that time, one song was on repeat—a prayer I didn’t even know I was praying.
Keep Making Me - Sidewalk Prophets
Make me broken
So I can be healed
'Cause I'm so calloused
And now I can't feel
I want to run to You
With heart wide open
Make me broken
Make me empty
So I can be filled
'Cause I'm still holding
Onto my will
And I'm completed
When you are with me
Make me empty
'Til you are my one desire
'Til you are my one true love
'Til you are my breath, my everything
Lord, please keep making me
Make me lonely
So I can be yours
'Til I want no one
More than You, lord
'Cause in the darkness
I know you will hold me
Make me lonely
'Til you are my one desire
'Til you are my one true love
'Til you are my breath, my everything
Lord, please keep making me
This song became my heart’s cry. It reminded me that brokenness, emptiness, and loneliness can lead to healing, fullness, and closeness with God.
God's Sustaining Faithfulness
God’s faithfulness continued to sustain me through this season of loss. In late 2020, my last remaining grandparent, “Grandma Love,” passed away after a stroke. Losing three grandparents in two years was heart-wrenching, especially imagining them all with Ellie while I remained here.
Yet, as I drew near to Him, God provided exactly what I needed, even as my world felt like it was crumbling.
Shifting Perspectives
No longer did I have a clear picture of what my life might look like. Everything I thought would be no longer was. But God had so much more in store for us than I ever could have imagined! While this song didn’t come along until 2023, I’ve listened to it so many times, and I feel like it really defines this season of my life…
First Things First - Consumed By Fire
All the things that I have held dear
The vanities that whispered in my ear
What would I do if they all disappeared
Riches and fame and all that they could buy
I've come to find they never satisfy
What would I gain if my soul's the price
I don't wanna love what the world loves
I don't wanna chase what the world does
I only want you
I only want you
First thing's first
I seek Your will
Not my own
Surrender all my wants to you
Keep the first thing first
To live Your truth
Walk Your ways
Set my eyes
Lord I fix my face on you
All my desires reversed
To keep the first thing first
I give it all
My life an offering
My heart is yours
So have Your way in me
Your kingdom's all I wanna seek
I don't wanna love what the world loves
I don't wanna chase what the world does
I only want you
I only want you
Lessons From Loss
Ellie’s life had already taught me so much about focusing on what truly matters, and that lesson carried me through as I navigated single motherhood and leaned into God’s will for our lives. In my last post, I referenced a “rainbow” but didn’t elaborate. For a long time, I thought the Lord would bless me with another baby after all the losses. It was a dream I eventually released with love as life brought transitions I hadn’t anticipated. Everything I thought my life would be was no longer—but God had something greater in store…God had begun shifting my perspective, teaching me to loosen my grip on what I thought I wanted and to trust His plan instead.
An Invitation to Trust
Looking back, I see how He was laying the groundwork for miracles beyond anything I could have ever dreamed of. And friends, I can promise you this: when you keep the first thing first, God shows up in ways you never expect…
Today I’d like to leave you with this thought: are there areas in your life where God is asking you to trust Him first? What might it look like to loosen your grip on what you thought your life would be and trust Him for something even better?
