Hard-Fought Hallelujah
“These have come so that the proven genuineness of your faith—of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire—may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed." 1 Peter 1:7
Hard-Fought Hallelujah
A Seven-Year Journey of Grace
It’s hard to believe that it’s been seven years since Ellie changed my life forever. Seven years. As I sit down to write, I’m struck by how much time has passed—not just since her life and death, but since I last shared my heart here. It’s been four years since my last blog post. To be completely honest, I've spent a lot of that time feeling like my voice had been silenced. And for a season, I decided that I wanted to focus on moving forward instead of being "defined" by the past.
That’s not to say Ellie is in my past—far from it. Ellie has always been, and will always be, a defining part of my life. But this year feels different. Each year during “Ellie season”—the weeks surrounding her birthday—I experience a familiar mix of emotions: intense sadness, physical tension, and moments where tears are always close. I buckle down and do whatever I have to do to get through it, despite frequent frustrations that I can't function at my usual capacity.
Yet, as time marches on, every year brings something unique.
This year has been a significant milestone for me in a lot of ways—and not just during "Ellie Season." I made a commitment at the beginning of this year to be a woman of action, and I've spent the last 11 months consistently and intentionally taking steps that have led me here, to this very moment. And now it's time to find my voice once again...
The Significance of Seven
This seventh year, though, feels significant. Not just because of my own journey this past year, but in a Biblical sense. In mid-September, it struck me: Seven is the number of completion and divine perfection in the Bible. God uses it over and over again in His story. Animals were to be seven days old before sacrifice (Exodus 22:30), Naaman bathed in the Jordan seven times to be cleansed (2 Kings 5:10), and the walls of Jericho fell after Joshua marched for seven days.
Friends, this year has felt like my seventh march around Jericho.
For the last seven years, I’ve felt like I’ve been circling those walls—walking the path God laid out for me, believing He would use Ellie’s life and my story for His glory, even though I was still in the “just haven’t seen it yet” season. And this year? The walls finally came tumbling down.
A Nudge to Share Again
I’ve felt for weeks that it was time to write again. Much like in the early days of writing, God nudged my heart to share, though I wasn’t sure what at first. Originally, I planned to write one post for Ellie’s birthday, but as I began, I realized there was far too much to cram into a single piece. So instead, I’d like to invite you on a journey—a glimpse into the highs and lows of the last seven years, told through the songs that have carried me. Music has a way of giving words to prayers and emotions too deep to articulate.
Songs That Tell the Story
Today’s post is an introduction—a humble attempt to describe this journey with God. Of course, it wouldn’t be complete without sharing the songs that have spoken to my heart and have impacted me immensely. I figured I’d start by rapid-firing a few and finishing up with what has been I think the single, most impactful song maybe of my entire life. That’s a tall order - but I think I may have found it. More on that later… for now, here are a few that accurately describe this journey I’ve been on…
God Is In This Story - Katy Nichole & Big Daddy Weave
The Bright Side of Broken - MercyMe
There Was Jesus - Cain (cover)
Heaven Changes Everything - Big Daddy Weave
I pray that, despite my mistakes and shortcomings, He continues to weave a testimony that will bring others to Him.
Ellie’s Impact and My Testimony
I think that’s part of why I love music so much. Sometimes it puts my deepest emotions and prayers into words that I couldn’t articulate otherwise. Every single one of those songs is a testimony of what these past 7 years have been for me. I truly stand amazed at all of the incredible things God has done, despite all the pain and heartache I’ve experienced on this journey. In so many ways, Ellie’s life and subsequent death “saved me.” I put that in quotes because obviously only Jesus can truly save us. But I am living proof that the deepest pain becomes the loudest testimony when you allow God to redeem it for his glory. Not that I’ve done things perfectly along the way, by any stretch of the imagination. But I pray that, despite my mistakes and shortcomings, He continues to weave a testimony that will bring others to Him.
My Story Your Glory - Matthew West
I’ve always been a big believer that everything I experience in life has divine purpose and that God has a lesson in it for me to learn and prepare me for future challenges that may come my way. I’ve shared in a previous post how experiencing the abandonment of my first husband after just 9 months of marriage felt like the most awful thing that could ever happen. Clearly I had no idea what was ahead, but I looked back over the lessons I learned during that season - which truly was the most difficult thing I had faced at that point in my life - and saw just how instrumental they were in helping me process the grief of losing Ellie so abruptly.
In a similar way, this seventh year has been a sort of full-circle moment for me.
I learned that I was expecting Ellie during the seventh year of my marriage, and I knew at the time that it was significant. It was a turning point, of sorts. I felt in my heart that this new baby was going to bring about significant things for my family. I just never could have imagined what that would look like…
In a way, Ellie’s death started another period of 7 years, this time full of immense pain, challenges and disappointment. But it has also brought some of the brightest rays of hope and joy. As I look back and reflect on the lyrics of the song, “who turns a broken dream into a life redeemed? Who can turn your worst defeat into your victory? Who saw me where I was and led me where I stand? My life is living proof that only JESUS CAN,” it makes me weak in the knees. “Hallelujah I’m singing, there’s no stealing my freedom. He picked up all the pieces. Look at me now!” It’s easy to feel victorious in those “mountaintop moments,” but what about the valleys? What about the moments that it’s all you can do to take the next breath and put one foot in front of the other? Believe me, these past 7 years have not been short of those moments either!
Faith Refined Through Fire
There’s a song I’ve listened to for years, especially on those extra hard days when I’m all in my feels. I have often felt this song is the cry of my heart when I feel like I don’t have any words or even articulate thoughts. It reminds me that, even in the moments when I feel stuck and overwhelmed, God is still right there with me, singing over me. It’s a short, simple song that has brought a lot of peace…
Which brings me to what I think may be the single-most impactful song I’ve ever heard. If you know me or if you’ve read any of my previous posts, you KNOW what a big statement that is. In some ways, it feels like a continuation, maybe even the “grown up version” of Keep Singing. I digress. I heard this song teased in concert months before it was released. And it was very much a “this is my song” moment, even just from hearing a little snippet of the song that I’m pretty sure wasn’t even finished being written yet at the time.
When I began writing my blog in the early days after Ellie’s death, one of the comments I heard most often was that my writing expressed what others had felt, thought or even been afraid to say out loud. It put words to deep emotions that they’d previously been unable to articulate, whether publicly or even within their own hearts. This song does that for me. I’m moved to tears nearly every time I listen to it. I don’t know how to explain it except to say that it touches me on a deep SOUL level, and it RESONATES intimately with this journey I’ve been on these last 7 years.
"It was a holy, sacred moment that I will never forget for so many reasons.
I once wrote about the family member who stood beside me all those years ago at Ellie’s visitation and told me how I was never going to get over it…she was right, and I knew it. Except not in the way she meant it. I knew that this is a life-changing milestone for me and that I would never be the same again. But that doesn’t have to be a bad thing! After all, God uses our deepest pain to create our loudest testimony. When I say that in a lot of ways I feel like losing Ellie “saved me,” here’s what I mean: having to release my baby girl from my arms back into the arms of Jesus was the singular most difficult thing I think I will ever experience in my entire life. Bar none. It was a holy, sacred moment that I will never forget for so many reasons.
But in the days that followed, as I struggled to make sense of it all and pick up the pieces, it gave me strength. As time went on, I began to understand that if I could survive that, I can survive anything. There are no words to describe how many times that simple thought has helped me to power through no matter what the challenges I faced and press on. It gave me the courage to start over when I realized I was in an unhealthy marriage. It gave me the courage to leave the comfortable job I’d known for years and try something new, which would ultimately prepare me for where God has me now. It gave me the courage to step out in faith and pursue the dreams that God has placed in my heart…more on all of those things soon to come…
A Hard-Fought Hallelujah
Back to the song - I feel like I keep trying to find the words, and there just are none. I feel this song in my SOUL. Every. Single. Word. And as yet another little “God wink” in my story, this song wasn’t even supposed to be released until January 2025. Except that there was such a visceral, overwhelming response anytime it was teased on tour, the decision was made to release it on November 8th, 2024. Yep, right in the middle of what I’ve come to refer to as “The Ellie Days,” the 10 days between when she was born on November 3rd and when she died on November 13th. The 10 hardest days of the year for me, when all the pain and grief comes in floods, and I make time to just “do, be, feel,” as I call it. I give myself space to do, be and feel whatever is needed in the moment. The rest of the time, I put on my brave face and big girl pants and get sh*t done. But those days are set aside to reflect on the goodness of God in the midst of our suffering and to set aside sacred time to remember my girl and feel all of the emotions that come with that.
This year, I decided that the time was right to make a public statement of my testimony. I’m not usually one to jump on a bandwagon and tattoo song lyrics on my body, but I made an exception for this one. This song resonates so deeply with me that I couldn’t NOT give myself and the world a permanent reminder of everything God has done on this journey. So on the 7th anniversary of Ellie’s home-going, I got some new ink…😍
I pray that the lyrics to this song - and the music - bless you as deeply as they have me. “Faith isn’t proven like gold ‘til it’s been through the fire…my head, heart and hands feeling heavy - that’s when I lift them just a little higher!” Boy, is that the truth?! I don’t know about you, but I feel WEIGHT in this song. I feel the intense travailing and battle found in that hard-fought hallelujah. Because some days, I really don’t feel like it. I’d rather wallow in my stuff - frustration, depression, self-pity, you name it. It is a CHOICE to lift my hands even when I’m not feeling it - and I am ALWAYS better for it.
The truth is that these past 7 years have been a HARD-FOUGHT HALLELUJAH. God has been so faithful. I have a story to tell, and I can honestly say that, even through it all, it is well with my soul. I hope you’ll keep reading the rest of my story that I plan to share in these coming days…
Hard Fought Hallelujah - Brandon Lake
Share Your Story
As I wrap this initial (lengthy!) post, I’d love to know: What are the ‘walls’ you’ve been marching around? How has God been faithful in your story, even when you couldn’t see it? I’d love to hear about your hard-fought hallelujah here: Share Your Story.
